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being blocked

I've always hated getting myself blocked by other people on various social media. It meant I had said something wrong, done something wrong, or otherwise made someone uncomfortable to the point where they'd rather click a button or three and make themselves appear (offline/non-existent/a broken link) to me if I were to try to look them up on whatever site they blocked me from.

It sucks because it means I did something wrong or scary... especially if I had no intention of doing so. I recently "followed" an old friend from Twitter and then the next day my phone said she "followed" me but when I tapped that icon it informed me I was blocked. I guess I've scared her away in the past. She and I used to be really close... one of my closest Livejournal friends way back in 2003 and 2004. But something happened and I think I frighten her.

Because when I get "manic" there are certain people I would reach out to, and she was usually one of them. And I guess at some point she got tired of those things and didn't want to be part of it anymore. I guess I understand that but it still kind of sucks. I'd like to thank all my LJ friends for sticking with me all these years. I've been strange on Livejournal in the past... I'd go for almost three years without an update and then suddenly update a bunch about random shit you guys might not even relate to.

I've always cared too much about "internet people", of course. I put much more value on relationships with people I haven't met than most others do. I guess it all began when I was a little kid. When my parents divorced and I was seven, my dad got me my own BBS (bulletin board system) where I could chat with other people and it gave me something to look forward to at his house.

Of course, the BBS world and the internet were rather different. One thing was that you really couldn't connect with someone too far away because it was just on the phone and if you called a number outside of the rather small range that phone companies had before the mid-90s, then you could rack up a large bill.

I, back in Palo Alto, could call a place in Redwood City, and someone from Belmont or Burlinggame or Milbraeprobably could too, free of charge. But in Palo Alto I might be unable to call those places directly, without a phone bill.

Owning my own BBS was exciting and perhaps defined my childhood more than it should have. While other kids my age were playing with computers and video games, I was probably the only kid at seven running his own BBS. Though I'll be honest, my dad helped a lot initially but after a while I was doing it on my own.

But yeah. It sucks being blocked, you know? I wish I didn't scare people away sometimes but I guess I do. I want to say it's "their loss" and write them off as somehow at fault, but maybe I need to reevaluate how I come across to others. Or maybe it's just this one person and how she reacts to me.

You guys are great and we should hang out and eat burgers.

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February 2018


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